Acceptance
by blondi
Summary: Captain Janeway ponders the possibilities between herself and Tom Paris. Set fairly early on in the show, before he became involved with the ship's Chief Engineer. Rating is for light use of curse words.


**Acceptance.  Erin Trager.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, and I don't own Voyager.  If I did, a lot of things would've ended differently on this show.

**Part I. **

She cradled his head in her arms, the weight of it making her feel that it could break off if she didn't protect it.  Tom's limp body had been badly injured from the recent explosion caused by a spark discharge within the fuel regulator and now Janeway was wishing to herself that it had been anyone but Tom working the instrument panel a few minutes ago. 

But wishing would get her nowhere.  

Janeway wasn't a person to rely on wishful thinking, and she wasn't about to start now.  Action was what was needed. 

She glanced up briefly at Tuvok who stood at her left taking readings on the accident's possible causes.  The silent communication was all that was needed for the serene Vulcan to join Janeway at her side.  Several crewmembers stood by the smoking wreckage collecting data to be studied in detail later.

The accident shouldn't have happened.  

Janeway hit her combadge.  "Voyager, three to beam up."

All that greeted the party on the other end was cloudy static.  The tight knot that had been forming in Janeway's stomach since the moment she heard Tom's scream of agony was now nearly too tight to unwind and felt like it would tear her insides apart. 

"It appears that the magnetic field we detected earlier is causing communication disruptions, perhaps I can alternate the combadge frequency to the ship in order to bypass the electric…"

"Damnit!  I don't have time for this, and Tom certainly doesn't either.  We need to get him to medical care immediately!  Do what you can and quickly." 

Almost before finishing her sentence Janeway abruptly pushed herself to her feet, careful to lay Tom's head gently on the ground before setting off to get herself a med kit.  Hastily retrieving it from where it lay, Janeway returned to Tom's side and knelt down, preparing bandages and salves.   

Tuvok quickly surmised the situation and decided his efforts would best serve the Captain if he were to begin working on bypassing the communications disruption.  He took a seat on a nearby rock ledge to better facilitate his programming.  

Damnit, Kathryn, damnit, you are not going to lose a crewman.  Don't you dare.  

Janeway shook her head slightly as she continued her ministrations.  

No, Kathryn, he's not just a crewman; he's the best damn pilot in Star Fleet.  He's your 

pilot.  And he trusted you to ensure this away mission would not harm him, but it did.  You screwed up, Kathryn.  And it may have cost you Tom's life.  

Janeway quickened her movements, but no amount of bandages would do much to help Tom.  He needed serious medical care for his numerous cuts and abrasions as well as his internal systems.  

Glancing over at Tuvok, Janeway quickly returned her gaze to Tom.  Whoever could get the communication line with Voyager open, it would be Tuvok.  Her pestering him right now would only slow down the process.  Right now all she could hope to do is make Tom more comfortable.  

Retrieving a small canister of water from the med kit, Janeway lightly moistened a cloth and dampened her patient's forehead with it.  There was nothing really further to be done; the wounds were for the most part cleaned and bandaged, and the Captain had taken her share of Star Fleet medical survey courses to know that was left to be done was beyond her capabilities.  

Leaning back on her haunches, Kathryn watched Tom's inanimate face.  What the hell had she done?  This shouldn't have happened.  She should've been aware of the malfunction before it occurred.  She should've done something.  

Janeway reached out a hand and lightly touched her fingertips to Tom's throat.  The pulse was very weak.  

Damn.  

She raised her eyes to the scattered crewmen collecting evidence of the accident.  Some weary eyes peered in her direction, but quickly looked away.  

They probably think he's going to die, she thought.  

"Captain?"  

Janeway's heart jumped.  She looked down at Tom's weak hand resting shakily on her own.  Her fingertips still lay at his throat.  

"Shhhhh, Tom, I'm here.  I'm here, and you're going to be ok.  Just hang on."  He rolled his head weakly towards her on the makeshift pillow she had made for him from her uniform jacket.  The simple act of him licking his parched lips made her instantly grab a hold of the canteen nearby and press it against his lips.  

"Here, try to drink a little of this, Tom…" 

After he had managed a few sips, she lay the canister down and leaned over his form protectively, as if she could treat injuries that she had not seen before in that position.  

"Captain…I know I'm pretty beat up…that if I don't get to the Doc soon, I'm near the end, ….no, don't try to cover it up," Tom swallowed, "I know it's the truth." 

"Tom, let me worry about your health, you just worry about staying awake and keeping your attention focused on something, ok?   Uh…" Janeway wracked her mind for some bit of an attention grabber that could occupy Tom's mind.  Anything, anything…

"The Delaney sisters! Tom…think about them and how much fun you've had together, ok?"  She smiled down at him and pressed the moist cloth to his forehead again.  

"I've heard about you all having some fun times in your holodeck programs!  I'm sure you've only gotten to closer over those games of pool."  Janeway smirked down at him.

"No, …they mean nothing to me." Tom licked his lips and fought to keep his eyelids open.  "I'm just a playboy to them, no one has ever given a damn about me except you, Captain… do you know just how much your confidence in me has kept me going all these years?  You care…"

"Shhhhh, Tom, you don't mean that.  Or if you really believe that, you don't know the rest of the crew very well.  A lot more people care about you than you think…. a lot more."  Janeway's hands were shaking.  

"Captain, -Kathryn-, you mean more to me than anyone else in my life…." Tom coughed weakly, but fought back Janeway's hand when she tried to silence his mouth.  Instead he caught it in his own and pulled it to his mouth, giving it a lingering kiss on the palm.  

"I love you."  

It was at that moment that Janeway's hand fell limply to Tom's chest and his eyes fluttered shut.  Her whole system gave a start from the shock and fear.  

"Tuvok!!"  

"Yes, Captain, I have it working now!"  Tuvok jogged over to the Captain and hit his combadge, "Voyager, three to beam up to Sickbay at my location." 

The surrounding crewmen watched as the group dematerialized.  Some would say later that they thought they glimpsed tears in the Captain's eyes.  

**Part II.**

Kathryn stood solemnly by the med bed where Tom Paris lay peacefully.  She had come down to visit approximately an hour ago but something deep inside her kept her feet locked to the position they now held.  

"Still no change" the Doctor murmured as he quietly appeared at her side.  He had been watching her behavior and was deeply touched by the obvious worry etched in her face.  Not the behavior of just a concerned captain, but one of a loyal and very caring friend.  

Kathryn pulled herself out of her reverie and met her weary eyes with those of the Doctor.  "Yes, yes, I haven't seen any real change.  You'll let me know if there is any."  

"Of course, Captain.  You'll be the first one to hear."  The Doctor watched as Kathryn took one last lingering look at Tom then turned on her heel and strode out of Sickbay.  She no longer had the luxury of being Kathryn—a woman deeply in need of counseling and reassurance; she was now required to be Captain Janeway on the bridge of her ship.  

**Part III. **

Chakotay jogged down the corridor to catch up with Kathryn before she disappeared into her quarters.  

"Kathryn!  Do you have a minute?"  

Kathryn turned towards the owner of the voice and stopped in her tracks.  She wore a grim expression with a tight mouth rather than the customary smirk she normally presented to Chakotay.  

"I was wondering how you were doing, …after that accident down on the planet," Chakotay studied her face to get more of a reading than simply her verbal response.  Kathryn glanced across the corridor out the view port before responding. 

"My health?  Fine.  The rest of me?  A little shaken I must admit—I can't hide that from you.  Tom still hasn't fully recovered from the accident, Chakotay."  She took a quick look at the curious crewman who brushed by them and decided that she should take the conversation to a less public place.  "Chakotay?"  

Chakotay took the cue and followed Kathryn into her quarters.  Taking a seat on her sofa he watched the petite woman pace around the room in front of him obviously agitated.  Very rarely had the first officer seen his captain so visibly bothered by something.

"Something very odd happened down on that planet, Chakotay.  The accident scared me.  I've had crewmen injured under my command before, but somehow this was different—it seemed much more personal.  I felt so helpless." 

"Kathryn, it wasn't your fault.  There was nothing you could've done to either prevent it, or help Tom.  His injuries were too great."  Chakotay motioned for her to join him on the sofa.  She obliged finally and took a very stiff stance on the edge of the couch clasping her hands.  "Listen, from what I heard, you did all that you could to make Tom comfortable, and Tuvok was the best man for the job in repairing the communications blackout down where you were. I mean, …"

"You don't understand!  I almost lost a crewman—I almost lost Tom.  When he regained consciousness for that brief time, he told me….  He told me…"

Chakotay inclined his head and raised his eyebrows waiting for the end of the sentence.  Kathryn recovered herself and thought better about what she was almost about to say.  "He told me that he …knew he was dying."  She looked away. 

"Well, he didn't, Kathryn, and right now he's in the best hands he could be in.  The Doctor is working very hard to get Tom back in good health; just have faith."  Chakotay took Kathryn's hand and gave her a warm smile.  Kathryn smiled back and stood up. 

"I have quite a bit of work to do right now before I can indulge myself anymore.  I'm sure once I've had some rest and a meal my mind will be working a little more at ease."  She met Chakotay's caring brown eyes as he stood to leave.  "Thank you for asking how I was doing, Chakotay."  

"I figured everyone has been asking about Tom enough.  Someone needed to check up on our Captain."  Giving her a reassuring smile Chakotay headed out the door with a soft swish.  Sighing, Janeway seated herself at her desk and activated her personal log.  She may not feel ready to pour out her heart to her closest friend on ship, but she certainly needed to pour it out to someone.

**Part IV. **

Tom swiveled at his station and beamed at her.  He gave her his cockiest grin. "Do you want me to show you what the new modifications on the systems can do?"

Kathryn grinned back.  "Go on, give it all you've got.  I want to see what these 'improvements' are that you've been so thrilled about."  She relaxed in her chair and busied herself by watching the view screen.  Turning back to his console, Tom hit a few controls and leaned back satisfied with his work.  The ship picked up speed and within no time Tuvok spoke up with what Janeway was expecting to be his usual report. 

"Captain, we are now in orbit around Earth."  

Kathryn stood up slowly and stared at the screen.  Beautifully silent and vibrant, the blue and green sphere rotated slowly in front of her.    Home.  

Strangely, instead of feeling surprise or excitement, Kathryn was hit with the most fulfilling sense of utter peace.

Tom sprung from his chair.  "C'mon, Captain.  I want to show you something."  He took her hand and led her off the bridge into what had up until now been her ready room.  Once through the door Tom and she were standing on the grounds at Starfleet Academy near the rose garden she used to visit as a student.  She found herself searching the area with her eyes for her old confidant Boothby, the groundskeeper, but returned her gaze to the man standing in front of her.  Tom was radiant. 

His smile was warm and refreshing and made her heart skip a beat.  Wearing a loose tan long-sleeved button-down shirt and some casual black pants, he took both her hands in hers and held her gaze.  

"Kathryn, …we're home.  We can have it all now.  Don't you see?  Things are simple here…no rank, no expectations—just us."  Kathryn found herself watching the sun glint off of his golden hair, and the deep blue of both of his eyes.  They were so honest, and so open.  So incredibly caring.  She felt no uneasiness or confusion--just pure and filling acceptance.   

The next moment she was kneeling on the ground of the planet they had stopped at for the away mission, frantically clawing at the same tan shirt and gazing into the same caring eyes—though this time Tom was immobile on the ground.  These blue eyes were pained and sad.  Kathryn felt herself clutched with heart-wrenching fear, but didn't know what to do—she scanned the area but they were alone.  

Looking down at her hands she caught site of the dark red blood soaking into her uniform pants and covering her hands.  Tom's blood.  

"Tom, don't leave me!  Don't you let go.  Don't you dare let go!"  She began to openly cry but felt no shame.  

"Kathryn, we both knew this came with the job…it was my turn.  I hope I served you well."  Tom regarded her with mournful eyes, which slowly shut themselves.  

She screamed out with all the pain she felt.  

Kathryn sat bolt upright in bed drenched with sweat and shaking like a leaf.  

"But it wasn't just a job" she whispered to the empty room.    

**Part V. **

Kathryn stood near the quietly whirring med bed and mentally willed the man laying on it to open his eyes to her.  

It almost seemed humorous to her now.  She had the power to order dozens of crewmen to their deaths if it was so necessary; she captained a nebula class starship equipped with only the most powerful phase banks and armed to the teeth with enough photon torpedoes to blow up a small moon; she commanded respect and expected nothing less than the best—which is what she got nearly every time.  But when it came to saving the life of a very dear friend and crewmember, she was utterly powerless.  

It had been a routine shift on the bridge that morning.  Kathryn had tried her very best to forget the away mission and let the Doctor do what was left to be done with her injured pilot, but nothing seemed to distract her enough.  Not piles upon piles of padd work, not overseeing the fuel cell overhaul, not keeping herself awake with caffeine into the wee hours of the morning so as to collapse into bed exhausted.  Nothing.  

So here she was, standing helpless and watching Tom lay there unseeing to the life around him.  She hated being what Tuvok had accused her of before: emotional and irrational.  

She knew that she wouldn't be here if it were another crewman lying in the bed.  She definitely cared for each and every person aboard Voyager who had become her dear family during the last six years, but with anyone else, Kathryn felt that she would have been able to pull herself away from this.  No, something else was keeping her glued to this particular bedside.  

Kathryn had replayed the scene over and over again in her mind and still was in utter shock.  ~"I love you."~

Tom loves me.  

It wasn't friendly love that he had referred to, Kathryn knew.  But where had this come from?  Was this simply a result of the injury he had suffered, or was it more?  God, she didn't need this.  

Months ago, Chakotay and she had become closer than she was comfortable with and it was a continuing struggle not to give in to the promises that he offered.  Other crew could allow themselves the comfort of beginning a relationship—a family, but not Kathryn.  She refused to allow herself that luxury.  

It wasn't that she wasn't interested.  Mark was gone—since receiving the transmission from the Alpha quadrant about his current affairs, and even before then, Kathryn had emotionally cut the ties with that long-distance romance, as hard as it had been.  She was perfectly available to court aboard Voyager, but it would complicate things too much.  Entering a relationship with a subordinate aboard ship light-years from home was not a safe bet.    Taking risks with her job to do what she felt was right was one thing; taking risks with the faith her crew had in her and with another person's heart were entirely different.  

 Kathryn shook her thoughts away.  Had Tom's right hand just moved?  

"Doctor, I think you need to come over here."

The Doctor strode across the room from another patient he had just finished up with and quickly took a survey of Tom's figure with his medical tricorder.  His eyebrows rose.  

"He appears to have his brainwaves completely back in order.  Heart rate is healthy, oxygen count…" He smiled up at Janeway.  "Paris seems to be recovering."

Her pulse quickened at the news.  "How long before he can be wakened?"

"I wouldn't recommend it for at least a few more hours.  I need to run some more additional tests and monitor his progress until then before I can be safely sure of it's success." 

"Well, let me know his progress."  Janeway stole a glance at Paris and gave a short nod to the Doctor before striding out of Sickbay.  As usual, she had no idea what to expect before the day's end.  

More to come?  Let me know what you think of this story so far!  


End file.
